To The Boy Who Broke My Heart:

1. The next time you hear someone with an accent unlike your own and you begin to miss the sound of my voice, don’t call me. If you do, I won’t be able to resist picking up and your voice might make me weak at the knees. If you ask me one more time to take you back I might accidentally let the word “yes” escape from my lips. I can’t risk being stuck with you in the same cycle; like clothes in a washing machine that won’t stop. You don’t wash your clothes on gentle, I should have known you wouldn’t treat me delicately.

2. You loved coffee. I hated it but it tasted great great on your lips. When you left, I started drinking three cups a day in hopes I wouldn’t forget what your mouth felt like on mine. Filling my cup with coffee meant filling it with the essence of you. And though for some time it reminded me of your lips and how your tongue tasted, the memories began to fade and now I’m just drinking coffee. I think it’s time to quit because all it does is allow the sweet scent of you to stick around;  clinging to every fibre in my clothing. I thought I wanted to remember but the caffeine just keeps me up all night thinking and I dread every moment of missing you.

3. When you finally decide to go back to that bookstore we both loved, try not to look for me. I won’t be there. I made the mistake of showing up three days after you left, looking like a mess with a tissue box in hand. I don’t know if I was searching for you or if I thought the place itself would make me feel at peace, but the second I got there I found my way to the classics. I turned the pages in your favourite book and remembered all the hours I spent listening to you gush about it. You used to tell me not to take literature so literally, but to look deeper. I tried to do that, I swear. I wanted to understand what about a novel could be so special but I just see your eyes between the lines in everything I read. I won’t be going back there.

4. When you see flowers drawn in chalk on the sidewalk, or graffiti on the walls of an old building, or even small unreadable words tattooed on the inside of someone’s wrist, I hope you think of me. I hope that even one tenth of your heart will finally be able to appreciate all the different kinds of art in this world, even if you couldn’t acknowledge mine. One day I told you that our relationship was like paint on a canvas. Every new experience brought a new colour and a new shape to the painting. You said if we’re a painting then we must end at some point, when it was finished. I told you that your allowed to fix an old painting, add to it, change it and even paint over the parts that didn’t work. You mustn’t have understood me because when you made a mistake, you thought the canvas was ruined and you gave up. I’ve always wished that you could see the world through my eyes for a little while, so that you could see the beauty in the grass that hasn’t been cut in months, or in the eyes of someone who’s in love, or in the handshake given to you by a stranger. But how did you not find beauty in my paintings or my drawings, even the ones of you? How did you not think I was art? I thought you were the most amazing masterpiece I had ever laid my eyes on.

5. Someday you will meet a girl who is nothing like me and you will fall in love. Don’t be surprised when she doesn’t put up with all the little mistakes you make. Maybe when that happens you will finally realize just what you lost. At the very least I hope you realize what you need to change. I hope you listen to everything she has to say, soak up every syllable like these could be the last words she’d ever speak to you. If things don’t work out with her for whatever reason, I hope you end things on a better note than you ended them with me. I hope you will be able to accept her opinions and the way she feels and I hope you will be okay with the outcome even if it wasn’t exactly how you planned. Whatever you do, don’t let the last thing you say to her be a hasty “bye” and a few clicks on a screen that disconnect you two forever.

6. I know the taste of vodka will bring you back to the time we drank an entire bottle one night, sitting on the floor of your living room. It had burned my throat with every gulp but I kept drinking because I liked the warm feeling it left in my chest and in the pit of my stomach. The feeling I got when you kissed my lips and ran your hands all over my body was equivalent to the buzz I felt from the alcohol. Just one shot of it brought me back to that night and like a ghost from christmas past, I relived it through a different pair of eyes. It seemed I looked at you like you were a shiny gold coin and you looked at me like I was the rusted penny you found in a parking lot and shoved in your pocket. I was in love and you were detached. Now I drink rum and I don’t think of you.

7. Life had been motionless without you in it. I think you hurt my heart too many times because the path I was on went completely downhill, yet I stood there unmoving and I couldn’t feel a thing. Maybe a person can only hurt for so long before they reach their limit, maybe I had reached mine. I didn’t want the standstill to end because even though the silence was far from tranquil, but deafening, I was afraid if I moved my feet I would just fall backwards. It took every last drop of what I had left in me start moving, to be okay and to feel again. I didn’t want to be the person I was before you, or the person I was with you. I wanted to move forward, and that’s what I’m trying to do now. Yes, I loved you, but I love myself more when you’re not around. I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if not one single cell in your body is capable of wishing the same for me. In the end, I’m at peace with every decision I’ve made. This is me letting you go.

s.b.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s