When You Came Back-Complete Destruction

1. I wasn’t homesick for the arms that never held me until I heard your voice on the other end of the line. I wanted to hate you, I wanted for the end to be the fucking end. The way you said goodbye left lightning bolts on the back of my eyelids and all I saw was white for weeks. Your abrupt return has brewed up a storm in my gut and the waves crash against my ribcage. I know you want to wear down my bones until your able to reach into my chest and grab my throbbing heart with your bare hands. I saw white when you were gone but now I see black, or more accurately I can’t see a thing. Why is it that I feel around for your body to hold onto in the dark?

2. The words that leave your lips resemble dialogue from a cheesy romance movie. But how many times are you going to tell me you’re sorry until I stop forgiving you? Each syllable blossoms like a flower in the spring and my heart goes thump thump. But how many times are you going to tell me you fucked up before I say goodbye? Your apologies are music to my ears and I want to hold you in my arms. But how many times are you going to tell me you were wrong until I make the right decision? Please keep speaking, I love this blissful ignorance.

3. Your words on the phone sound staticky, everything you say engulfed in noise. A wave washes up on shore. You tell me you love me, you tell me you care, you tell me you missed me. I strain to make out the words, hold the phone closer to my ear. Hail hits a glass window. I swallow the lump in my throat along with my dignity and tell you I wish you hadn’t gone. You tell me again, you love me with all your heart. You missed my perfect face. Rain pelts the roof and leaks onto the tile floor. Your speech sounds messy, your tongue wound up in knots. You miss my perfect accent. I struggle to make out the words, raise the volume up all the way. I feel the most beautiful hatred for the words you spit out. It’s a nice feeling I’ve not felt in quite awhile, but it’s laced with dishonesty and pain. A hard knock on the door but nobody’s there. I bring the phone to my other ear and I hear your voice, it’s crystal clear. ”I love you so much”, you declare, voice velvety smooth. And you miss my everything. Thunder claps over head, my body shakes. And I finally allow myself to utter the truth. You miss me, I’ll give you that. But that doesn’t mean you love me. You wouldn’t have allowed yourself to lose me in the first place. So no, not one ounce of your soul loves me.

s.b.

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